Hope

Trying to conceive is a lesson in hope. Without hope I would be lost. I hope I get pregnant. More than that, I hope that I ovulate. I hope that I have sex at the right time. I hope that I have fertile cervical mucus. I hope the cramps are implantation. I hope for a boy, I hope for a girl, I hope for twins. I hope I don’t have to make my monthly donation to Always. I hope that other people get pregnant, and sometimes I even hope that they don’t get pregnant. I hope that I don’t get the worst advice you can give to someone who has been trying for what seems like forever, ever again. (“Just relax, it’ll happen.” But that’s another topic altogether.) There have been times that I have actually hoped for a chemical pregnancy just to see those two little pink lines.  

Hope is not in short supply for me. Without hope I would have nothing to hold onto.  For me it is easy to smooth over my past failures in conceiving and regenerate more hope for the next cycle. Forever the optimist I suppose.

 Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I break down, swear up and down that I’m going out to buy condoms until I can get a prescription for birth control pills, that it’s just too hard on my heart to keep hoping every month.  And then there are the tequila tears (I don’t need tequila for the tequila tears, it just helps.) Tequila tears are the uncontrollable, inconsolable, gut wrenching, ugly sobs that leave a person drained. This is a very rare occasion for me, when I feel so utterly hopeless and alone. I honestly feel bad for my husband when I get these fits, while it’s cathartic for me, it just terrifies him.

I use the times when I swear I don’t want to TTC ever again to drink like a fish, have kinky non procreative sex with my husband, generally be a bad girl and have a good time. Then it’ll happen, I’ll see a newborn so tiny that I wonder how mommy is out with him or Husband will point out a chubby cheeked grinning toddler covered in something sticky and something clicks, I’m back. The hope is back.

But let’s be honest, the hope never left.